A Day In The Life Of………

I wanted to share with you what it’s like having both anxiety and depression. An outgoing personality but anxious mind. Of course, this is just what it’s like for me. It’s my personal account of my thoughts and feelings. Not everyone experiences these issues the same. What affects one person may not be a problem for someone else. It’s not a one size fits all. Everyone suffers differently. It’s an extremely broad spectrum and we are all unique. Having said that, we are nevertheless, part of the very unwelcome and ever growing club of sufferers who battle everyday, most of the time without anyone knowing or fully understanding. So here’s an insight into what my experiences are. Waking up with dread sometimes, not wanting to face the world. Knowing you have to putting on a brave face, a facade, a show that everything is fine. The constant feeling of worry and panic. For me, it’s not even about something catastrophic happening, just a general worry about everything. Over analysing, over thinking situations, outcomes, conversations. Questioning everything. Doubting everything. The sheer paranoia that you start to feel. Thinking your being watched, judged, criticised. Thinking everyone will abandon you because of how you are, that you’re just too much hard work and a burden on everyone. That everyone around you will give up on you. That you don’t deserve what you have and don’t deserve to be happy. The feeling of letting everyone down, being a failure, a disappointment. Feeling inferior, unworthy. Not being able to focus or concentrate. A disoriented disconnection from reality. Unable to find calm or to relax. Like you’re on a rollercoaster that you can’t get off of. On edge, fidgety, restless, jittery. When you can’t sleep, just laying for hours awake. Or waking up constantly through the night. Your mind on overdrive. Feeling exhausted and drained everyday. The need to be doing things all the time to keep busy so that you don’t let your mind take over. Wanting to just be alone but not on your own. The sudden urge to just get away and not be around anyone but then the loneliness of realising you want to be alone. Feeling isolated, trapped in your own mind, a prisoner. When you want to see friends and go out to have fun but the overwhelming dread of making plans or arranging to go out, sudden changes in plan or routine will set my panic into overload. Not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone or leave the house. Not wanting to be anywhere crowded or busy. Having to spend hours mentally preparing for the times that you do go out. The constant need to be in control of things, wanting everything to follow a plan or pattern, having to stick to routine so rigidly. When you have to have things done a certain way and then feeling that you have to do everything yourself because no one else will do it properly. Negative, intrusive and irrational thoughts. Horrific thoughts that enter you mind even though you know they’re bad and ridiculous. Your mind playing tricks on you constantly. (I won’t go into detail in this blog about my thoughts, that’s another blog entirely.)
It’s the wanting to shut yourself away and hide. Feeling that there’s no point to anything. That you don’t matter. But not only is there the mental and emotional pain and torment, the sheer draining exhaustion, it’s the physical pain aswell that comes with the stress you put on your body by living this way. I’ve had excruciating, crippling pain in my stomach for years which comes and goes. Some days it’s worse than others. After countless doctor’s appointments, hospital visits, scans, tests and a laparoscopy, it’s still deemed as ‘unexplained’ the medical profession can only put it down to stress and anxiety. It’s a very long uphill climb when you reach your lowest ebb and hit rock bottom. But it’s so important to know that as much as you feel alone, you really aren’t. 1 in 3 people now suffer with some form of mental health issue including depression and anxiety. There is so much help and support available. It does get easier, there are ways to feel better and to overcome your issues. It’s not a quick fix, it’s a gradual day by day, baby step kind of process but it’s so important to take those steps if you want to make a change and move forward. You don’t have to go through it alone. We are stronger together. It’s ok to not be ok.

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